I turned 26 in May, which YAY I'm getting older but nay I lost insurance from my mother. As a single, self employed girly yeah it's great to have been able to have coverage for this long but it still came as a shock to me when two months before my birthday I received the letter stating I would be losing it.
Again, being single I wanted to make sure I was covered (wink, wink) for the next 5-7 years. Which led me to the OBGYN.
I walked in requesting a new IUD and walked out in tears.
A year before while still in Italy I felt the strong need to see a doctor (I'm not quite sure why), I made the appointments and just never went...
Fast forward a year at my IUD appointment the doctor requested I get an ultrasound (which is very not fun might I add). The sweet lady and I talked while she performed the exam and left while I got dressed. I think I knew something was wrong even while we were talking. I'm not sure why, if it was a woman's intuition or reading her body language.
Not even ten minutes later the doctor walked back in and delivered news you couldn't have even paid me to guess. In the nicest way she could have said it. Deadpan, but she allowed me space for questions.
I had a six centimeter cyst on my left ovary that needed to be removed and more than likely I would lose the ovary as well.
Talk about a punch to the gut (or uterus).
Thankfully, my doctor knew the circumstances and I was able to very quickly get scheduled for surgery. I went in on April 29 praying that by some miracle I wouldn't have to lose it.
I don't know if I just masked the fear and anxiety or if I dissociated from it all but I talked to the AMAZING nurses I had for the few hours before they wheeled me back.
But when I woke up from anesthesia I remember the first question I asked was did they take it? I asked the nurse who was there to wake me up. I texted my mother (once they gave me my phone).
And yes they did, there was absolutely no way it could be saved. It was NOT cancerous. (Thank God)
But was I supposed to be happy? I went to the doctor to keep me from having kids and yet I was devastated about losing what could help me make them.
I've been through so many mixed emotions in the past few months.
It's made me really sit with myself and the future I planned.
I have a horrible fear I won't be able to get pregnant in the future (If that is something I even want)
I have a feeling of failure and my body being broken. (Which rationally I know is not)
I have anger because maybe this is why I felt I needed to go a year ago and maybe my ovary could've been saved.
I know rationally there is nothing I can do about it but I have that fear and heartache.
I feel I let myself and my body down.
I don't have a neat ending for this one, because honestly I'm still in it.
